Saturday, January 14, 2006

On holding back....

I read this post at Creative Pilgrimage, where Marilyn links in turn to this post by Kara.

And oh yes, this resonates. I am not sure of all the whys and wherefores but I know that when I was growing up there were times people turned away from me or seemed to and I didn't know why - and it was deeply unnerving. There still are and it still is. Online is easier and so few of my friendships are face-to-face these days.

Does that play into my work? Maybe. I write poetry and I don't put it out there - what if someone hates it and hates me for it? What if they (as that college teacher did) LIKE it, but turn it into something abhorrent to me and tell me? What if they tell me IN FRONT OF others and those others come to think I'm bad? That was the deepest horror to me of what he did - it was in front of all my classmates in that class, and when I tried to protest it wasn't my point, I was told to shut up and let him go on basically. That I had no right to want to state my point and try to 'steer' my work that way.

I realize that once I let a work go out where others can read it, it may be read in ways I didn't intend. Even read as I intend, it might offend someone. That being the case - and DOUBLY so since I do want to write about some controversial topics - I am scared to give too much voice to my voice, to risk sending these things out into the world where someone might dislike them. Might dislike me. Might even be someone I know....

2 comments:

Marilyn said...

It's hard for me to not feel infuriated at people who say/do things that end up stilling one's creative voice for years. It happened to me, too...in high school. It was my junior year...and I didn't write another thing until I was 30. All those years when I could have been writing...lost. The lesson is to not let someone else have that sort of power over my creative essence ever again. (She is always the #1 monster in my monster hall of fame.)

As for Cameron and the AW book/exercises...I've been through the material before...this time around, I'm trying to MOVE FORWARD GENTLY (vs. pushing)...and paying attention to where I'm resistant...and where the material simply doesn't resonate with me. That's what's so great about this blogging group, I think...we can individuate the experience so that it feels right for each one of us.

Kara said...

Thank you laura for this post as you probably already can guess I can relate. I had a photo prof in college - well lets just say he's in the monster hall of fame because he did a similar thing to me.
By the way, I love the title Moments, Musings. I read those words and feel like I am in the present moment.